Tuesday, May 17, 2016

All Clear, Again


I'm happy to report the results of my second post cancer surgery ct scan shows all clear. The doctor is happy, and I won't need another for six months. Fantastic, and a sweet relief!

It still feels surreal to me, the events of last October/November. It's hard to wrap my head around all that has happened. First, a surprise finding on a ct scan, then two surgeries in quick succession, and then rehab. It almost feels like it was all just a bad dream. The scars say it was real.

I wish I could figure out a way to make it all matter in a meaningful way. It's quite easy for me to not think about it, just submerge myself in the same normal day to day routine I had prior to the surgeries. I'm not quite back to full strength, but close. I've been lucky. Do I just move on, or am I missing something?

After the surgery, while I was home recuperating, I found several websites that bring together cancer patients with similar diagnoses. I subscribed to one site that sends daily email updates of it's message boards. The trouble is, after reading only a few of these postings, I am unable to continue. It's too tough to read of the fear and pain and sadness that so many people are enduring. The recurrences, the treatments, their side effects.  It's hard enough to deal with my own fear, and that of my family. Reading these messages is just unbearable.

But I haven't been able to unsubscribe. Each day I open the email and scan the subjects, newly updated, but I don't read them. My ct scan was clear, but not everything is.  

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